


Enough

by delicatelyglitterywriter



Series: Autism "Coming Out" Fics [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Autism, Autism Acceptance, Autistic Yo Yo, Christian Elena, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, autism acceptance month
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 10:27:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14258985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delicatelyglitterywriter/pseuds/delicatelyglitterywriter
Summary: After being outed during an interview, Elena discusses her autism with her mother. She then must deal with the fallout of that discussion.





	Enough

**Author's Note:**

> **Content warnings:** brief ableist attitudes
> 
> English translations in the {}

She’d been outed in her interview for college. She had hoped that the interviewer wouldn’t bring it up, but he had. She kind of knew he would, but she had still hoped he wouldn’t.

 

Now, in the car, Elena keeps glancing at her mother, trying to get a read on her. She knows they have to talk about it eventually, but that doesn’t mean she  _ wants _ to. She takes a deep breath, deciding that it’s best to get it over with.

 

"Entonces, sobre lo que dijeron en la entrevista; acerca de mi autismo"  
{“So, about that thing that was said in the interview; about my autism.”}

 

“Si?”  
{“Yes?”}

 

"No te enojaste, o si?"  
{“You’re not...mad, are you?”}

 

“No! No!” her mother assured her. “ Solo... me sorprende. Tú eres un genio, nunca me hubiera imaginado que eso aplicara para ti."  
{“No, no! ... Just...surprised. You’re so smart, I never would have guessed that it applied to you.”}

 

Elena’s so shocked, she can’t think of what to say. She knows that she wants to say that autism and intelligence are two separate entities, and that intelligence is an inherently ableist concept, but the words don’t quite form in her brain, and so they never make it to her mouth.

 

All she can manage is: “ Sólo soy un poquito más inteligente que los demás”  
{ “I’m only a little bit smarter than everyone else.”}

 

It’s not what she meant to say, but it’s the only thing that comes out. What she really means is that yes, she did slightly outperform her peers in school, but that doesn’t mean she’s not autistic. What she really means is that her autism allowed her to excel in school. 

 

Her mother hums. " Bueno, igual no lo hubiera pensado."  
{“Yeah. Still wouldn’t have ever guessed.”}

 

Elena takes another deep breath. " ¿Eso crees?"  
{“Is that all you think?”}

 

"No, no del todo. De verdad me pregunto por qué piensas que eres autista."  
{“No, not all of it. I do wonder why you think you’re autistic.”}

 

Elena smiles a little. That question she can answer.

 

"Estaba investigando del tema, y me encontré esta guía '¿Soy autista?' y le di una leída. Todo concordaba, entonces investigué más, y entre más cosas leía, más... coincidencias encontraba. Yo creo que sabía lo que era, así soy yo. Y cuando pienso en mi niñez, eso explica un montón de cosas que no entendía antes."  
{“I was researching about autism, and I came across this ‘Am I Autistic’ guide, and I decided to look through it. It said I was, so I researched a lot more about it, and the more I read, the more it...fit me. I sort of  _ knew _ that it was, it is, me. And as I think about my childhood, it helps explain lots of things that didn’t make sense before.”}

 

Her mother hums again.  "Entiendo"  
{“Okay.”}

 

Elena’s not sure what that ‘okay’ means, but she chooses not to read into it. She knows that if she does, she’ll panic. Instead, she continues talking, trying to appeal to her mother’s more religious side.

 

"Ademas, esto es como una revelación, como una respuesta a todas mis preguntas, mama. Es algo bueno. Dios me hizo así, y me alegra que me lo mostrara."  
{“Plus, this revelation is an answer to prayer, mama. It’s a good thing. God made me this way, and I’m so happy that he showed me.”}

 

"Bueno pero yo no iría por ahí diciendo que Dios te hizo así. Podría ser un castigo, un pecado."  
{“Ah, but I would be careful about saying that God made you like this. It could be the result of sin.”}

 

Elena is again so shocked that all she can say is: " Bueno pues igual estoy feliz con lo que soy."  
{“Yeah. I’m still happy about it, though.”}

 

The conversation ends there, and Elena’s left wondering about what her mother said. Result of sin? She knows that God doesn’t punish people with disability, it says so in the Bible. Perhaps her mother’s referring to the fall of humanity, when sin entered the world? But would that then mean that she’s not  _ supposed _ to be this way? That God just allowed her to be born disabled, and that he had originally intended for her to be nondisabled?

 

Elena wonders about this for the rest of the car trip, and when they get home, and when she’s relaxing after being out, and for the rest of the day. It doesn’t sound right, what her mother said. 

 

But, she can’t stop that little voice in the back of her head saying,

 

_ But what if she’s saying is true? _

 

She goes to bed, restless over these thoughts. By the morning, she’s largely forgotten about what happened, until she sees her mother again. Then it’s back to wrestling with the contradictory thoughts. 

 

She wants to talk to someone about it, get some perspective, but she doesn’t know who to talk to. She doesn’t exactly know who to trust with this. And she thinks, deep down, that she has to figure this out on her own. Only, she doesn’t know where to start.

 

So, Elena turns to the only place she knows to turn to when she has no idea what to do: God. After all, this is a question concerning him, and it would be plain stupid not to involve him in it.

 

“Dios, tiene razón mi mamá?” she prays in her heart, laying on her bed. “Soy autista por un castigo a la humanidad?”  
{“Is mama right, God? ... Is my autism the result of humanity’s fall?”}

 

She lays still and waits for an answer, but none comes. It’s deeply frustrating. He made her; he knows she can’t focus for very long and just wait for an answer. But it seemed that was exactly what he was making her do. Tears well up in her eyes and she thumps the mattress with her fist. 

 

“¡Respóndeme!” she mouths. She wants to shout it, but she doesn’t want her mother hearing her yelling at God, so she has to do it silently. “He esperado años para saber, no me hagas esperar más por esto!”  
{“Answer me!” ... I’ve waited so many years for my first answer, don’t make me wait for many more to get this one.”}

 

There’s still no answer. 

 

Elena rolls over onto her side and cries silently. She became quite skilled at it during all the years she would cry herself to sleep because she had no answer to why she was so different from everyone else. She had shared a room with her sister, and hadn’t wanted her sister to know that she was crying. 

 

Several weeks pass, and still Elena wrestles with the question. She reads, and the more she reads, the more she thinks her mother is wrong. But then there’ll always be that stupid little voice in the back of her head, wondering if her mother is indeed right.

 

She needs an answer from God for this to be settled once and for all.

 

She keeps fighting with God, until one day he gives her an answer. Well, more like, he directs her to an answer. She’s laying on her bed one day, playing with a ball, when a verse comes to mind.

 

_ For you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. _

 

Elena sits up. She recognises that. It’s from Psalm 139. Without really thinking about it, she reaches out and grabs her Bible from the nightstand, flipping to the Psalm, and begins to read.

 

_ You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. _

 

Surely, Elena reasons, if God knows her so well, and cares so deeply, he wouldn’t leave even one detail of her being up to chance. She keeps reading.

 

_ For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. _

 

‘Fearfully and wonderfully made...wonderful...all the days ordained for me were written in your book…’ 

 

Elena doesn’t even know she’s crying until some of the words become smudged from a teardrop landing on the page. God thinks she’s wonderful. And if he knew what her life would look like at the beginning of time, then her autism can’t have possibly been a mistake.

 

She can only reason and trust that God made her autistic deliberately, and diverse brains were part of his plan in the beginning. Immediately after she reasons this, she hears the still, small voice in her heart.

 

_ You are not a mistake, Elena. I don’t make mistakes. _

 

Elena lets out a long breath. If she’s not a mistake, then neither is her autism.  _ All _ of her is fearfully and wonderfully made, and  _ all _ of her is precious to God. For her, it’s enough. 

 

She knows now that her mother is wrong; that autism is not a result of the fall of humanity. It’s a wonderfully designed neurodiversity, and something to be cherished. Elena now knows, understands,  _ believes _ it so deeply, to be true. 

 

Knowing this, Elena doesn’t even care that her mother is wrong. 

 

She only cares that God thinks she’s pretty awesome. And for her, it’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Many, many thanks to [Maria](https://twitter.com/sometimscamila) for the Spanish translations
> 
> Also, the "Am I Autistic" guide mentioned in the fic is a real thing!!!! You can check it out [here](http://buckysbears.tumblr.com/post/159246245279/am-i-autistic-a-step-by-step-guide)


End file.
